How To Drive

No, How to Really drive

Maybe you're not 16 yet, but this isn't any DMV test. This is the fun side of driving. Ever think of how boring it is sitting in the car, waiting for something to happen? Why not make it happen? The only thing rule-abiding-defensive-cautious drivers get is safety. Who wants that? Why not go for the ambulance ride? I've never been in one before, it oughta be fun and educational, right? I mean, you see groups of kids touring those and firetrucks etc...

So to business.

Since driving safely is SOOO boring, here are some things that may excite your ride:
(Note- Author has made up all of these, thus will probably not be allowed to get his driver's license until he's 45)

Rules to Break
Well, this is pretty easy...There are so many regulations for the road, the question is which ones to break...A)Red light is a no brainer...But you just can't go right through- You'll get killed that way. What you have to do is go right as it turns red, so all the cars starting to cross the intersection will be cut off. You will get a lot of honks and unpleasant hand motions from this one, but ,boy, is it fun to see all those drivers boiling mad...

B)Speed limit is, well..too regular..everyone goes over the speed limit. If you want to be noticed, you'll have to go really fast, which will bring a quick end to your life before you can try any of these others. There are only two ways to speed- slowly speeding (kind of oxy-moronic) in which nothing will happen most likely. If you go really fast and manage to survive, a police officer will pull you over and ask "Do you realize how fast you were going?" Well...who wouldn't at that point. If you want your ticket to be a few hundred dollars bigger, say something like "Actually no, my speedometer broke" or "I'd like to order a double-double with fries and a shake"..(Personally, I think I'd never do that, but as long as we are pretending there are no consequences, why not?)

C) Schoolchildren crossing. Who ever wants to wait for all of those kids to saunter across. Chase 'em across like scared rabbits when they start to drag as they're talking with all of their buddies. Any pedestrian will work for that matter. and be sure to hit cyclers. More on this later.

Fun Projects
This is where it gets fun. Not that we already haven't been having fun, but we'll see some great add-ons here. This is appealing for men and women, as we have tools and welding and all of that heavy duty stuff as well as accessories, and if you have a little sister, you know how they love accessories...

First, A) The Homemade Automatic Flamethrower. Isn't the name in itself great?? Here is how it works: You get two bottles of oil, any kind. While I was thinking of this, I was noticing how perfectly olive oil bottles fit into the groves on the back of a Cadillac. But olive oil is way too expensive for this. And you will need a sports car of some sort that has the long, thin trunk, not a vertical back, though that may still work. You then lay the two bottles of oil (or any flammable liquid) on the back of the car so they point away from it. kind of like exhaust pipes except on top. You can cover them and decorate them to look like more that regular bottles if you want it to look like a flamethrower. You then tie to it a lighter with an elongated tube to navigate the flame. Cover it all up and fix a stopper partway in to keep it from all spilling. Now, when you drive, inertia will cause the flammable liquid to spill into the tube, ignite, and spill out onto the road. The faster you go, the more displacement the spill will spit out and you go faster and faster until the arc of spilling flames is almost shooting out onto the road.. thus you have a stream of flames tailing behind you that is regulated by your speed. No one will get up close on your rear now. Unless they want to be fried, that is. This also words great if you chose option B) in rule breaking, as the faster you go it will shoot out with a lesser arc. have fun!

B) I don't know what is better, but this is a bit simpler. What you do with it, is the question. Simply fix a tank turret to the top of your car. I don't know where you'll get one, probably if you ask the emperor you can get one. After some welding and sawing, you should get a great effect. It s probably best, unlike with our previous project, that you use a van. The possibilities are then endless. Don't you hate traffic? To quote from the movie 'Battle of the Bulge' "Tiger to Panther- Get onto ze bridge and blow zat junk right out of the vay" Oh what fun! And you don't have to worry about getting pulled over- they'll need more that a mere highway patrol to deal with you. It is also extremely effective with rule breaking C if you want to blow those pedestrians away.

C) If you've seen 'Ben-Hur' or 'Star Wars episode 1: The Phantom Menace' you should be familiar with this one. Remember what Messalah/Sebulba did to his chariot/Pod racer? Fix a few blades on your hub caps sticking out and presto! You can recreate movies. Pull up alongside a car and bring your blades to his wheels. Tires slashed off in a jiffy. This really causes chaos on the roads. But be sure to make the blades long enough and fix them in. If they're too short, you'll just scrape your door against theirs and if they aren't stable they'll fall out.

Games To Play
These are fun. That's why they are games. I've put some under sub category SABOTAGE!!!! because sabotage can be fun, too. Unlike hop scotch and crack the whip, however, these actually have a thrill to it and are fun. Who wants to play a game that isn't fun, after all?

A) 'Human bowling' is almost what is sounds. You see pedestrians crossing in one big huddled clump- Run 'em down!! See how many you can hit before they scatter. Nerds= 1 point each because they are easy. School kids are 2 since it's fun to see them soar; Regular people are three and joggers are four. You can adapt for others.

B) Slightly wimpier than the last is 'Scare the living daylights out of 'em' or whatever you want to call it. See someone crossing too slowly? Drive up at full speed and watch them scatter like scared chickens! Honking helps alot. Make sure to put on your break at the last second. I actually know someone who does this. Fun, if you don't hit anyone, because you can't get in much trouble for that. Even if you do hit one, you'll have the joy of watching one of the little squirts fly through the air.

C) Perhaps the riskiest game yet has several styles to play it in. "Against the flow' is the game you want to play if you are planning on suicide anyway. For the original version, pull on the freeway, crowded is best, but not too crowded- the traffic should be flowing quickly. At any point you want, turn around. See how ling you can go without getting hit. Dodge, swerve, do whatever it takes. It is especially fun when people swerve out of the way in fear. Quite the scene until a semi totals you and you go up in flames. ...Come to think of it, it's still a scene, then! For 'Hot wheels' style, fasten on the flamer. It makes for a neater effect and is more surprising to oncoming drivers. If you use your tank turret attachment, you can then blow that truck that's going to hit you out of the way. its fun to see how many cars you can hit before you get hit.

D) Who needs gas? This game is what it sounds. See how many miles you can get from your tank. It's best if you're borrowing or renting or test driving a car, so you can get back riiiight on time and you don't have to pay for gas.

SABOTAGE!!!!!
This will continue with more destructive forms of Games to Play. We have two, currently.

A) Car crashing. This is how to crash cars. It's pretty easy, you may think, but however, it is an art form. You don't just barrel into them! they might be nice people that assume it's an accident. I take a leaf from the book of nature. God has created so many thing that should give us great ideas. Take the shark. Sharks don't just attack. They bump their prey with it's nose first, then attacks. In the same way, we should not just crash- but bump them first. This should be conducted while waiting at a stop light, by the way. The bump will startle your prey, and wake him up for what's coming. He'll be very startled, and will look into his rear veiw mirror to see what happened- Right on time to see your evil grin, as you then barrel through him. The moment of realization. What fun.

B) This one is fun. Pedal pushing....brick dropping...I'm not sure what to call it. Your call. Here's what you'll need. The situation has to be just right, but with ipod popularity increasing, it should work. While cruising along the highway....or even city streets- carry a brick, or some heavy weight. Now try to find your victim. He should be wearing sunglasses and absorbed in the song he's listening to on his Ipod or mp3player...whatever it is. He should also be riding in a convertible with the hood down. Coast right up to him, pull up to his left. Have your buddy in the passenger seat take the weight. Keep at pace with him, and when the moment is right, drop the brick onto his gas pedal, hopefully entangling his foot with it. He'll wake right up as he goes soaring off at full speed. Try to see how many people you can do this with- it is a difficult skill to master, so don't worry if you don't succeed on your first try.

There you have it. These should definitely exiten your ride. Driving shoud be fun, not a hassle, after all- 'a car is not a toy'. But before you leave, don't be afraid to try new things on the road. The world of the road is now yours. do what you will. Drive reckessly, try to get shocked expressions from drivers as you cut them off- you'll add exitement to everyone's day. Don't be afraid to drive offensively, shout out the window, do everything you were told not to do in driving school. Have fun. Don't be afraid to comment on other drivers. For example, the other day I saw a driver whose bald head was soo sunburnt, it looked very much like a cherry tomato. Life can be fun- driving should be too.


And my mom can't wait to let me get my liscense